*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
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Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
🤣😂🤣
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.