Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
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‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.