“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
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*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.