Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
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*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please