I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
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I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what