me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
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Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
I finally found a reason to live again.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out