I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
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psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
#polloftheday
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces