Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
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Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
But that’s none of my business
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside