establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
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Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.