Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
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“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Just so funny
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
This kid is a star!
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…