This week’s mood.
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[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”