I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
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[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.