Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
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I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school