Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
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Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.