7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
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I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
uh oh
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Get in loser we’re going crying
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
watergate? u mean a dam??
Carpe DM
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever