May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
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Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
How dude HOW?!
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.