I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
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It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.