*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
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We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.