ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
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I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
I ate everything, including the H.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.