Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
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I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
are they though??
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.