Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
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I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Grandmother clock.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?