When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
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[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
some cats are just doing for fun!
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?