I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
You Might Also Like
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
look at me when i’m typing to you
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago