[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
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Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
not for long
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest