My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
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indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.