All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
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Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*