Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
You Might Also Like
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?