Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
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I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this