why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
You Might Also Like
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that