Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
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Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
i actually laughed 😩
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!