The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
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I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle