surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
You Might Also Like
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
The pasta is now
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …