People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
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Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”