🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
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[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
True freaking story!
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.