I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
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My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
😂💯
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*