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“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Danger is very dangerous
Please do it!
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
A great tip. #CakeRex