Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
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Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.