I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
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You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
This is what makes twitter great
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
🤣🤣🤣
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.