me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
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I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Nothing to do, you say?
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.