The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
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On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
It be like that sometimes 😆
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?