Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
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I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here