Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
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Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.