GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
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Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye