Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
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People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.