You saw nothing. I am ham.
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I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.