I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
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They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
#catsoftwitter