Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
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Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?