me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
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*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
i- i did not expect this
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.