*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
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Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
scares
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.