Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
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Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show